Fear grips me today, even deeper then it did when I was in Zimbabwe, for this is not a sensed fear that I did not fully feel myself; and it is not for my own life, it some how is more real to me. However, regardless of what fear I may have, it is nothing compared to the fear that exists in each and every Zimbabwean that decides not to vote today. Mugabe and Zanu PF have now orchestrated in such a way that not voting will now equal voting for Morgan Tsvangirai, re-creating the dynamics that existed before Tsvangirai pulled out, which were his very reasons for pulling out. Whether on paper or not, there are clearly two opposing forces working here, and Mugabe feels the pull of these forces, maybe even stronger now, he feels the possibility of illegitimacy and so is therefore desperately tightening his grip to a degree never before imagined. Though in many ways, it is predictable. It is the predictability that scares me, that tells me it will be no surprise what happens next, that many people’s fears will be realized. The surprise will be in the possible prevention of these actions, in the resistance amongst ruthless brutality, the courage of the masses letting their voices speak through the absence of their vote; the creativity that wells to the surface, that reminds each individual who they really are, that provides a viable alternative to violence, that brute force and malicious control do not win out every time, that reinstates what is required to be a true leader, and that displays what these useless facades of leadership masked by terror based authority really are.

So now we are put back into a situation of the same kind of waiting that has plagued Zimbabwe for the past 10 years, yet more intensely in the past year, one of horror filled possibility and deep embedded disillusioned expectation; the dichotomies of possibility that remain for the country are immense in both directions. I fear the negative possibility will come first, worse than it has come before, maybe because that is all that has happened yet, and then finally, it will cause forces to respond in such a way that will finally end the crisis. It shouldn’t be that way, I hate that our world is set up in such a fashion, and I will receive a very pleasant surprise is it does not happen in that way.

“I stepped out into the night
back against the moon
I saw ten thousand hands with candlelight
we all think that we're right
it's hard to tell
if the night is full of hope or doom”

~ Ben Harper. ~

Waiting for Superman (Flaming Lips / Iron and Wine)

The words:

I asked you a question
I didn t need you to reply
Is it getting heavy?
But they realize

Is it getting heavy?
Well I thought it was as
already as heavy as can be

Is it overwhelming
to use a crane to crush a fly?
It s a good time for Superman
to lift the sun into the sky

Cause it s getting heavy
Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Tell everybody waiting for Superman
That they should hold on as best they can
He hasn t dropped them, forgot them, or anything
It s just too heavy for Superman to lift

Cause it s getting heavy
Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Tell everybody waiting for Superman
That they should hold on as best they can
He hasn t dropped them, forgot them, or anything
It s just too heavy for Superman to lift

Why this is significant - since getting back from Zimbabwe, I have felt this weight upon my back, this duty, this responsibility to get the information out there, and yet with this urgency continuously upon me, I have had great trouble getting myself to sit down and write. Before I simply thought it was my fear of creating and producing and the criticism that that entails that would just be too much for me, I think that was part of it. However, hearing this song shed light upon the other part of it, what that weight was - it is just so heavy, emotionally draining and overwhelming, there is so much pain and suffering amidst such large amounts of human greed and disregard, it is too much. It brings up deep emotions that become very hard to deal with. That is why, even if I could, my gut level response is that I do not want to go back, it was so hard, the spirit is so heavy, it is difficult and uncomfortable, and my natural human response, which tortures me, is to want to avoid it.

Empty Shelves

Morgan Tsvangarai Detained

Morgan Tsvangarai was detained, has now been released, but it is still a cause for concern. Read about it here: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/05/world/africa/05zimbabwe.html?_r=1&hp
or here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7436904.stm.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7435869.stm
for a bbc news clip:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7435869.stm

Injured individuals at MDC offices

Ethical Quandries

When reviewing my experiences in Zimbabwe, I initially feel frustrated about the lack of experiences I had, or the few places I could go, the opportunities I missed out on, and what that would mean, what that would communicate to people…how much more effective my work would be if I could get that story or have that experience. By the end, there was something that seemed very heartless about that notion, I noticed my self seeking for the most sensational story, for a unique one that would really stand out, its like I wanted to be in the thick of it so that I could really announce something, and bring a different voice. It began to really sicken me, and made me want to change what I was doing there, think of other ways I could help. I began to get tired of the stories, I stopped listening intently as I was continuously focusing on what I hadn’t done or needed to do, probably lessening the impact I could have on these people, not realizing the beautiful person I had in front of me, whose life was just as important as the next person, and whose livelihood on all fronts – psychologically, physically, socially and emotionally were being completely obliterated. It became hard after a while, to not get frustrated with people asking for simple items such as blankets, food and medicine. The need was just so great it overwhelmed me, it frustrated me too, that not more was being done about it amongst the MDC community in Harare, though many things were done in secret, and acts of kindness and sacrifice have arisen from

I could not on my own save these people, I could not on my own provide them with blankets, food and clothes, but I knew I had access to people and organizations who could, in the end I realized, that yes I may not have the tear jerking story that may really motivate people into action, and I may not have discovered something unique that could really end the struggle, but I had been at the heart of it. I had seen the faces of hopes dashed ten times over, forlorn and wanting; I had heard desperation in their voices and horror in their stories, I had seen the filth they were subjugated to live in, and the scars and wounds they bore, I had felt the high levels of fear that engulfed them and consumed every waking hour. It was pervasive, this dark cloud that seemed to hang over every Zimbabwean, which is even thicker amongst the displaced and victimized rural communities. I had discovered that this is the story that needs to be told. Whole communities have been destroyed, schools burnt down, teachers beaten, tortured, threatened and displaced, homes, livestock, crops completely ruined.

The sentiment is solemn, bent on survival, defaulting to general mistrust. It was not something that usually gripped the people, but something that was becoming highly necessary given the circumstances. Those who were active had to be especially careful – Zanu PF could decide at any moment to arrest or beat up any individual for virtually any reason and leave them for dead or hold them for 48 hours without a warrant or a charge. Zanu PF would often do this and then release individuals to intimidate the group or disturb progress by forcing a crisis and necessitating a lot of the group’s efforts to be focused on getting the individual out of prison, getting them to the hospital, locating the individual etc. This forces the opposition and most civil society to operate constantly on the defensive, as welfare agencies constantly responding to the next crisis, which is even difficult to do, instead of the proactive fight for democracy that they would like to pursue. Displacement and creating disorganization – chaos – seems to be the most effective tactic that Zanu PF was using as their “campaign strategy” . Think about it, there are now tens of thousands of individuals displaced from their rural communities, thousands injured and around 50 dead, many more missing. Voting in Zimbabwe is ward based, meaning one has to vote from their ward, their home town/area. Many of these individuals have relocated to major cities and urban centers for safety, some have disappeared, many are injured. Imagine the logistics of getting these tens of thousands of individuals to their prospective polling locations. The vehicles they do have have an MDC logo on it – I’m not sure why, because that seems to be the first thing you don’t want to do in my opinion, but they do, and even if there was enough transportation – lets say hiring buses or mini-buses, which would mean over 50l of petrol, and that’s only to locations around 150 miles away, which would only take them one way to Masvingo where some of these people were from, they really came from all over Mashonaland, Masvingo and the Midlands. Now, even if these logistics were figured out, there are key security issues to think about, will there be a roadblock barring all individuals from going into these rural areas? There are army/war vet roadblocks in most victimized locations, so even if they could get there, they may not be let in. The war vets could decide to simply disallow all entry into these areas on that day. Even if they are let in, many of those who are a part of the roadblocks were either a part of or are in collusion with people who pursued these attacks and threats in the first place, they therefore would know the faces of those they targeted previously, notice if they came back, and notify all those around of their existence there. Therefore, these individuals would be risking their lives if they return to vote. Now, the best way to do this to avoid attack would be to go in the early morning, vote and then return to Harare as soon as voting is ended. This would be harder if the individual took public transportation, as it is not reliable from rural areas, voting may take long for we all know lines are very long in Zimbabwe, or if you didn’t know, I am telling you, and there is no guarantee the individual could leave that day. Being overnight in the rural areas is the real problem. It may not look good to have a number of individuals beaten in broad daylight before going to polls, may not seem very free and fair, they seem like they’re savvy to this fact, which at this point, seems a little ironic, the world knows what is going on, but nonetheless, it would still look bad. However, few people are around to see what happens in the night, as most rural communities are fairly isolated, giving attacking individuals free reign to terrorize individuals as they saw fit. Therefore, being in the rural areas overnight is definitely the danger. Therefore, the option left here are buses, minibuses or individual cars, however any of these could be stopped at any time, targeted for “accidents” at any time, be set on fire, or any other calamities you may imagine. A large bus full of supporters being stopped/harmed in any way would be a huge blow to the party, and would bring more attention to themselves. Therefore, the best option I have come up with is to organize willing MDC supporters in Harare to provide rides to victimized individuals. Many of these individuals would be risking their lives and the security of their family by doing this, but it would be a tangible way they could assist. This is just one logistical nightmare the opposition faces, probably the biggest one, but just one, on top of all the regular stresses of election time and campaigning, one example of simply trying to cope, to manage the damage, instead of having any resources or energy to proactively change their current situation.

This is probably the most effective, though I hate to use a positive word in such a negative circumstance, way that ZANU PF has taken the legs from underneath civil society and the opposition party, putting out their fire, smashing their creativity and thwarting their ingenuity, constantly keeping them in crisis mode. However, though it is exhausting all of civil society’s and the opposition’s means, it is simultaneously doing the campaigning for them that they may not have had the time or resources to pursue. In an interview with Eddie Cross, a newly elected MP in Bulawayo, he states that this level of violence has become counterproductive for Zanu PF at this point, indirectly campaigning for the opposition, causing many more defiant individuals willing to go to any lengths to make sure they vote on June 27th. However, I do not want to know to what lengths Zanu PF will go to ensure they cannot, which is what I and many others are worried about. There is one month to the run off, with violence and intimidation increasing now at a very rapid rate, who knows how many needless lives will be lost, children orphaned, livelihoods ruined, communities destroyed, families separated, healthy bodies impaired, carefully built structures destroyed. This is serious, and I think about this daily, that waiting even another day means another life lost, time becomes a luxury we cannot afford at this point, many of the systems set up to stop such a complicated situation take time, and time is what Zanu PF is buying to enable increased acts of violence and intimidation. All forces, including civil society and the MDC need to think about the level of human wreckage they are inadvertently allowing by allowing for the run-off to be at so late a date, and by taking less drastic action than necessary for this dire of a situation; by those taking less drastic action than necessary I mean governing bodies chosen to intervene such as the SADC, UN and AU. Civil society is doing its part, the MDC is doing their best, though it is much less than their constituency needs at this point. Criticisms are often directed to the three governing bodies – the AU, SADC and UN, especially SADC; nobody seems to expect true intervention by the SADC, their hands are in too many pockets, they have too much to cover up and too much promised, a sad truth about many surrounding Southern African leaders, money becomes the ethic that justifies mass losses of lives and livelihoods, the sad fact is that 50 dead, tens of thousands displaced, thousands injured is a drop in the bucket compared to what some of these leaders have signed off on, it doesn’t fit on their radar, and actually, what they have done is surprising, there are definitely some very sympathetic SADC leaders, simply not enough. So SADC’s willingness to really effect change in this situation is little to none, we can work hard to change that, but these are deep seeded agreements, habits and contracts, trying to change their action would be like trying to change Mugabe himself. How ever, the bargaining power in this case would be their tarnished image, though they may be aligned with Mugabe they know better than to appear to the rest of the world that they are. I need to research the AU’s involvement, it seems to have taken a stand back approach, though civil society has been beckoning their involvement, and seem to see it as very pivotal. Everyone I have talked to see the UN as the governing body to affect the most change in this situation; mostly because it is assumed they would be the most impartial, having less invested in the region either way, how ever that can be debated as countries such as China have just as much invested in Zimbabwe a neighboring South Africa, who together used their forces to stop the UN from taking any real action on this issue. Therefore on all international governing body fronts there is a lag in action in a situation that needs immediate and timely attention. Seems it is not causing enough deaths or civil unrest to gain the international attention necessary to really bring about a change in this situation, very sickening that we live in a world where a situation needs to get worse to get the help it deserves to get better. With so many crises in the world, and only so many bodies set up to fix the crisis, it really does create this unintentional competition for the worst situation; and then you’ll find most of the work of the activist ends up being trying to convince the world or the governing body how bad it really is; which is where you get this unintentionally sensationalist search for the most grabbing story that I noted experiencing while in Zimbabwe. Therefore the effort of trying to bring about human rights in an unjust situation ends up dehumanizing or delegitimizing the very people you are aiming to help, by using their horrific experience as a bargaining tool against other crises; which was not at all the original intention. It’s a very fine ethical line which I feel I had to and continue to have to tread in pursuing justice in this situation. It is a fight that needs to be fought; a line that has to be tread, observations that need to be taken into account when pursuing this kind of work.

Go here : http://www.zimfund.com/
to donate money to the MDC, Zimbabwe's opposition party for much needed medical supplies, basic amenities, lodging, hospital bills, all the issues I described below that the activist community in Zimbabwe is facing.

There are many organizations to give to; and I will compile a list and information about those organizations that might better help you decide where to donate. This is the most urgent need I discovered while there, and the most immediate way to target the problem of the tyrannical, totalitarian government that is currently in place in Zimbabwe.
Now, I realize there are drawbacks and hesitations you may have about supporting a political party in a very unstable country; just because they are the opposition does not mean they are free from corruption, misuse of funds/power. In addition, because the MDC is the only group offering an alternative voice in a very desperate situation, they do have the hearts and minds of most of the people in Zimbabwe their hands, which is quite a great responsibility, putting them in a very powerful position. This is something we need to look at: in a situation such as this, the large majority of people become united with one common goal: overthrowing oppression; putting aside other regular differences which usually serve as a check on power. This is the situation rebel forces were faced with upon independence; though there were several different parties and armies, which were later done away with, once independence came about most people were willing to give power to the one man who offered change and a solution to the problems colonialism and Ian Smith's regime caused. I am not saying that I am thinking the MDC will end up anything like Zanu PF, I am saying, that if they get into office they will have the same level of power that Zanu PF had upon independence, for I am not sure how ZANU PF could continue being a legitimate party option once MDC gains power, once thousands in ZANU PF are brought to justice for their actions of violence and murder, this would make Zimbabwe a one party state once again, giving the MDC a large amount of power which could easily be misused if not effectively checked. It would break the hearts of millions, literally crush them, if the party they put so much faith and trust in in a time when they were in such a dire situation abandoned them; that is what ZANU PF did to them; now you can imagine the level of disillusionment these people are facing, and just how devastating it would be if it happened again. They have given the MDC a lot of trust and support, they have suffered greatly on their behalf, and so if the MDC dare even think about taking that for granted, manipulating the trust of a much abused, desperate populous, they shall be dealt with very mercilessly, as should be done with ZANU PF. Though I can say for a fact that there are some very good people working for the MDC and I do not foresee this happening, it is a very real possibility thta should be taken into consideration when donating.
This is a very trusted, legitimate way to give to the MDC to ensure it does get into the right hands, and donating to them should be a consideration given they currently offer the most immediate proactive and promising solution to Zimbabwe's very urgent problem of extremely poor governance. The MDC has been the much needed second party in Zimbabwe since 1999, and has now gained the much needed popular support to topple this very oppressive force, and now is the time to support them to help them to do this, while all along the way holding them accountable to their promises and the level of responsibility they have taken on. And when they do benefit from our support by receiving the power that they rightfully deserve, our duty will be to evaluate their governance, making sure it is just and effective, for the fight for the democracy at that point will have just begun; having a hands off approach at that point would be very imprudent and irresponsible for any concerned individual. We have to let them know that they do not have our unbridled support - it does come with conditions that will be used to evaluate our level of support in the future. In the end, I see that as the best way to do it; supporting with careful consideration and conditions, and is what I encourage each of you to do in this situation. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you will consider supporting the MDC.

Below are pictures of the 500+ victims of political violence staying in MDC's headquarters - which, as most offices are, are intended for office work, not as a boarding house. However, after being beaten, threatened, chased and burned out of their homes, many of these individuals fled to Harare with no where else to go but the MDC headquarters. Many were separated from the rest of their families, many narrowly escaping death, and when narrowly escaping death, one's first instinct is to get out, to survive, and get to safety as quickly as possible, seeking out the particulars of their family's whereabouts was a luxury few of them had. To get to Harare, some walked from their rural homes, some found public transportation that would take them, as some drivers were ordered not to pick up injured individuals, some found compassionate individuals that would take them to hospitals, or into the city center.
Broken, despondent, and in great pain, these individuals would arrive at the MDC headquarters, as many as 50 - 60 a day, seeking assistance and safety. However, they would soon notice that both of these needs could not be fully attended to by the MDC. This did not happen due to the MDC's neglect; most volunteers and employees stayed day and night at the offices trying to figure the situation out; many slept there with the survivors; working as long as 15 hours a day. They simply did not have the facilities or the infrastructure to deal with so vast a crisis.
In the realms of safety, MDC headquarters was not the first choice. The MDC headquarters were in constant threat of a raid; at any moment all inhabitants could be arrested for no reason, with no warrant, for doing nothing wrong but trying to save their lives, and aligning themselves with the MDC, that was their major crime. In prison the individuals could face any level of interrogation and possibly, though it did not happen very often, torture. So these individuals are not safe in their own homes, are beaten, have lost their children, their homes, all their worldly possessions, go to the city for safety and are in constant threat of being abducted or arrested at any moment. Therefore, these individuals are still living in constant fear, uncertainty and instability.
Once one is able to settle in a little bit, they are often very hungry; having spent days trying to get to Harare and escape from Zanu PF. When they arrive they do receive food, however only once a day, as there is an MP in the city and fellow party members that come and serve food. I talked with one individual who was a diabetic, and did not have enough money to pay for his insulin or to even buy enough food to have a full stomach when taking the insulin. I read a letter written to the MDC by the Avenues clinic urging him to get a steady supply of insulin and a regular supply of food to stop his fainting spells, however, the problem was there were many mouths to feed, not very much money, and this was only one person, they simply could not attend to this individuals specific needs. This was a constant problem the MDC faced when needing to provide these survivors with basic amenities such as food, clothes, blankets and clothes; there were simply no funds.
Thankfully, they were in contact with many organizations who were better set up for this kind of a situation, and were able to connect needy individuals with these organizations. For example, all hospital bills were paid for by specific organizations; and many who originally arrived at MDC's doorstep were sent to alternative lodging provided by these organizations where they would be provided with food, blankets and clothes - three very necessary very basic things that the MDC could not adequately provide. This was a positive thing, however, organizing the specifics of these opportunities took longer than would be desired, leaving many still at the office with basic needs not met.
In addition to this spot being unsafe, and without adequate amenities it is also unsanitary - there are no bathing facilities in the MDC headquarters, as few office spaces do, therefore these individuals spend weeks without bathing, wearing the clothes they escaped with weeks before. A mother I talked with showed me her one year old baby who she had no pants or bottoms of any kind for. Because of the lack of bathing, having 500+ individuals living in an enclosed space at any rate creates high risk for disease of all kinds, specifically cholera and TB. Some children had been sent to the hospital for respiratory infections and diarrhea.
By the time I visited the offices, at least a month after individuals started pouring in, the floors were covered in dirt, completely filthy as is represented in one of the photos I displayed here, the walls had become very grimy, the once well maintained office space had been transformed into a refugee camp. The lucky few who had belongings lined them along the wall; make shift beds were created with random pieces of wood and other found items; anything but what one would usually find as a part of a bed, such as blankets, no inhabitants of the Harvest House, the MDC headquarters, owned a blanket. Survivors taken in by civil society organizations and churches and those taken to hotels or to individual's homes at least had that luxury. However, in the increasingly cold winter nights the inhabitants of the MDC harvest house, including the elderly, women and children had to sleep on the cold, hard, filthy office floors with no blankets. Of all the tribulation residing at the Harvest House, what will forever stay with me is the smell that attacked any one who entered. Looking back, it was probably a very accurate smell for 500+ people living in very enclosed quarters for weeks without baths. I have withstood a lot of wretched smells, including a mountainous trash heap in Cambodia, but there was something very difficult to handle about this smell, maybe because it was the smell of neglect, one that could have very easily been avoided, and now festers, and this was the smell of the festering. For no individual can be neglected this much, maltreated this much without it starting to stink. Just like a dirty dish left alone for too long, it stinks, it grows mold, it fights back, it makes you take notice, makes you do something about it ( I apologize for comparing human lives to dirty dishes, found it a good analogy.). And, I believe, that is what this smell will do for me, for it has stayed with me, it is still a part of the back pack I used while there, it cries out in a way survivors cannot, for they are battered and beaten, their spirits weakened, their psyches tortured, their minds petrified; they no longer know who to trust to cry to if they have the will to cry at all. But this smell, it is the smoking gun of suffering in Zimbabwe, something that stays when all other evidence is hidden. Yes, indeed, the stones are crying out, they will not be concealed.

Please - sign the petition to send to the UN here:

http://www.helpsavezimbabwe.org/register_for.aspx

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/audio_video/times_online_tv/?vxSiteId=353a7de1-1ffc-407c-a7ef-b1d0a78f0fd7&vxChannel=Times%20Online%20News&vxClipId=1152_timesonline0620&vxBitrate=700
for NYT video on post election violence.

go to these websites for extensive, useful, up to date info. :
http://www.zimbabwesituation.com
- very extensive news site...hours and hours of reading, will keep you up to date.

www.sokwanele.com
- activist website with information on specific cases and advice as to how to get involved.

Interviews with injured individuals in MDC offices

This is one of many interviews I had with individuals who had experienced political violence in the rural areas in Mashonaland provinces. These interviews are quick, but are examples of the terror and intimidation that is going on currently in Zimbabwe, and it is getting worse. These were four individuals who I met in the MDC offices, who had fled their homes because of fear of further beatings or death. Many of these individuals are separated from their families and have no idea of their children/spouse's whereabouts. I will be posting more interviews later.

A Zimbabwean sunset amongst still bustling activity in a Bulawayan township.

The allure of forgetfulness

I am safe here now, safe to write my thoughts and experiences freely, safe to sit in a coffee shop and browse whatever websites I see fit, to take pictures as I please, and enjoy my surroundings free of fear. A tension has been released, the general anxiety that comes with unfamiliarity and uncertainty has now subsided. I did not notice it as much then, but see it now in its absence. What scares me the most about that release is the freedom it gives me. With all society functioning pretty well here in the States, I can choose whether or not to be confronted with the dismal realities facing every day Zimbabweans, if for nothing else, the purpose of this trip was to know that reality for myself, and being there for only two weeks, staying only in the cities, I did not receive the full reality most experienced. I could still have a warm bed and a cooked meal to go home to every night, I could filter every story with my own experience and point of view. There was much that occurred that I was not aware of, that I filtered out, and I was there. Now, very far removed from the situation, I am faced with the ever present possibility of forgetting, seeing my experiences as another reality, a bad dream, something I do not have to know or do anything about if I do not want to.

Though the first request I received from most people while over there was money, the second, more sincere request was not to forget the people of Zimbabwe and their situation. I understood this plea, and saw it as a sincere request for help, but couldn’t help feeling offended, that they thought I could. However, now I see, in a very almost physical way, what they are talking about. They probably did not know exactly what they were saying, but knew by the absence of the many international observers and workers that have come through their doors, that this forgetting was a real possibility.

In past trips I have taken the forgetting happened gradually, with an initial fervor of re-orienting habits and inspiring action that convinced me and those around me that I was really doing something, that gradually waned, and became fewer and less noticeable, a change that was now only supported by an alternative perspective about the world around me, that would be highlighted in late night conversations, parties and social gatherings. A forgetting that occurred over time and so gradually that I did not even realize it had happened. However, this current threatened forgetting is nothing like the sleepy gradual disappearance of past trips. Instead, it is an upfront confrontation that has plagued me immediately and directly. It would be a conscious, active choice to forget, not simply the passive pursuit of every day life that seems to grasp gradually the individual’s attention, and eventually take full precedence and focus. Maybe it is because of their words that I realize this, that I now see the action for what it is, or am more aware of my inner thoughts and actions and therefore notice temptations for what they are when I wouldn’t have before. However, I still do not think that is why the invitation to forget this time is so noticeable and attractive. I believe there is something so difficult and painful in what I experienced and picked up, if not on a direct level, on a very intuitive and spiritual level that was so thick and so deep, I find myself searching hard for escape and release once it is available to me.

While I was there, there was an emotional separation that occurred within me, that kept me more intellectual and pragmatic about gathering and retaining information. I guess that was how my mind protected me from the state of overloaded emotions that would have crippled me and left me feeling helpless and hopeless and inhibited my progress. However, the feeling of desperation and fear was so deeply embedded in each individual that it seemed to permeate this desensitized hardened shell that I had built up during my time there. It was the force of this level of desperation and fear that dually inspires and suppresses me, that I try to escape now, that makes me want to forget. I want to forget because if I remember, I will have to deal with the chilling reality that in the country I once called my home, every day citizens are petrified sleeping in their own homes with their own families, because they fear that at any moment, they could be abducted; their houses burnt, their children displaced never to be seen again; a level of fear that I have never in my life experienced, and never want to experience. I think that is the most difficult part about this situation, having the realization that I have not experienced this, I do not have to, and because I do not have to I will not. It is a natural response, a human one, and in this case a wise one, but one that is very hard to deal with and will continue to haunt me for some time. It puts me in a position to maybe appreciate and to some degree hear or learn about another’s misgivings without ever really knowing what it is they went through, creating a large disparity in understanding, though I may do my best to connect, and sense what is going on. I will for now, remain simply an observer, a reporter of my experiences from my perspective, never to fully be able to know or communicate the depth of suffering that is occurring there right now. I went to see and I saw, but I will never fully know, and it is that gap of understanding I think I want to forget. Without realizing this large gap of experience and understanding, I would naturally filter my experience there to what I already know, naturally compare it to things I understand, and though I would realize their suffering is great, I may simply put it in the category of suffering I know. However, in realizing this gap and the complexity and depth of the need and pain that must reside within it, I get this constant unsettled, uneasy feeling that is hard to place and is very uncomfortable, that is hard to sit with. One that tells me I cannot have this feeling and do nothing, yet that also tells me whatever I do will not do the depth of their experience justice. It is this that I am left with, and it is this that often paralyzes me, that challenges me when I enjoy simple things like coffee and eating at a restaurant and expressing my opinions about the upcoming elections, and participate in protests and activism without being attacked, unfortunately there is still the possibility of arrest. I have to remember there are many people that cannot do this; and it is very hard to enjoy something when I know others cannot, when I know I escaped that situation, and am now free and safe. It is hard to swallow, it goes much further than appreciation, that is simply not enough. That notion actually very much frustrates me, that one would finally realize the luxuries and freedoms they have in comparison to another individual, and would go home, have a nice reflection and stop short at appreciation, seems to be doing a grave injustice to those that are suffering, seems almost like the grieved individual was used for the other’s positive feelings about her own situation. No, the realization of the gap and the appreciation needs to motivate the fortunate individual to ensure that all people receive as good or better than she has, but that rarely happens. We stop short at appreciation, we forget; we forget, we don’t hear, we don’t know because we know that in the knowing, in the remembering, in the listening we will be required to take great action, action that would disrupt our way of living, of enjoying, of surviving, we are scared of what that change would mean for us, we are scared that the task required of us would be too great, we feel inadequate and unable and overwhelmed, yes being overwhelmed is a large, natural deterrent, and so we do not try, we resist, we work to forget.

Yes, the forgetting this time would be overt and intentional, yet at the same time very easy and very desirable. It is a subtle trick evil uses to veil horrendous acts and normalize ignorance, keeping those with the tools to effect change sipping tea in their large lush gardens with walls, electric fences and oceans to protect them from any outside harm, while their critics sit safe at home in a coffee shop behind a computer free from the interpersonal effects a real face to face challenge might incur.

Election Results out

As many of you may know, the latest on the Zimbabwean struggle is that the results are out, however, Tsvangarai has been announced as having 2.4% less than the MDC calculated from the poll results. As many of you know, any party needs over 50% to win, making both qualify for a run off. There is a lot of contention around these results - Tsvangarai is faced with a tough decision - accept the fraudulent results to allow for a run off or protest the reslts, possibly giving up the presidency to Robert Mugabe. A run off will be very difficult for MDC, given the recent violence and intimidation. Good news though, is that the two factions of the MDC have now united, removing that hurdle from the party. To really enter into the discussion and learn about the details of the release of these results, I have found some good news links I suggest you visit:
http://www.itv.com/News/Articles/Zimbabwe-poll-results-contested-687238872.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7381668.stm
http://www.swradioafrica.com/news020508/results020508.htm


This one is particularly interesting as it points out that when the MDC and ZANU PF came together for the verification exercise, Zanu PF brought forth 120,ooo more votes for Mugabe than MDC, though they had the same percentage. When checked, Tsvangarai's percentage had been reduced by that same amount, which would have given him the 50.3 % he claimed he had...hmmm...I guess that doesn't surprise any of us.

There are a lot of things Mugabe and Zanu PF can do with these re-runs in order to ensure victory, while making it seem like they were honorable in the first run of elections. It is decently tactful and dirty. Seems like mass trickery, continued violence, intimidation and rigging will be Zanu PF's tactics for the re run. Tough decisions lay ahead for the MDC and activists, I don't think that this tough decision was placed upon them by accident, I think it was very well thought out by Zanu PF, its the very position they wanted to put the MDC in, and it may make them "look better", if that is possible, than if they outright rigged and then won elections in the first place.

Those are my thoughts, other thoughts of concerned individuals and activiss lie here:

http://www.sokwanele.com/thisiszimbabwe/archives/934.


Personally, I still feel very much on the sidelines, still pursuing most of my activism on the internet, knowing there is so much more to be done than what I am able to do right now. I am dealing with the frustrating reality that I am here pretty late in the game, a lot has been established already, and there is less than one with my lack of experience in the situation can do at this point than I would like to admit. The good part of that reality is that there are very knowledgeable, dedicated, thoughtful individuals in this struggle all over the world pulling for Zimbabwe, reminds me of the level of solidarity behind the anti-apartheid movement, which I wasn't at an age to be a part of, so it is exciting to be a part of this...though at the same time, frustrated that this level of response is needed for change to happen in any struggling country, frustrated that this extreme level of collapse and human atrocities are needed to get people's attention, including mine, frustrated that all of this solidarity still hasn't managed to change this situation and frustrated that despite all this most people, even more aware individuals in its neighboring country stop short of reading the news and discussing it over tea, and otherwise going on with life as usual; the explanation of why I am here seems to bring this into the discussion, and there's of bit of "shame hey" and this and that, and everyone agrees about how horrible it is, but there seems to be little action. I understand poorer individuals, who must spend their time and efforts making a living an raising a family; some of whom actually do find the time to devote to this movement, but I am frustrated with those who have the time, money and education to know to get involved, and still don't. On the flip side, one of the individuals I am working with, Rev. Mufaro, a dual citizen of South Africa and Zimbabwe works at an accounting firm, send most of his money back to family and friends in Zimbabwe, and then spends his remaining time transporting other activists around and updating his 41 blogs on the Zimbabwe situation. Stories like that encourage me, which pushes me past the frustration of the other types I mentioned above.

I spent 3 hours in a line exchanging currency today...the interesting thing about this was that once we pulled out our passports I noticed that most of the people in the room had Zimbabwean ones--mostly exchanging dollars or pounds to rand. I dually had the strong desire to talk to the people around me about their experience, and the hesitation that I did not know who I would be talking to and how to elicit the level of conversation I desired without making the person suspicious etc. In the end I simply received answers like," It is quiet in Bulawayo...the media has exaggerated the violence..etc" I guess that is conversation that can be expected in line to a stranger at the bank, I just had this dream that we would have this great conversation about how they had to flee from Zimbabwe due to threats, evictions or violence. They simply said they were on holiday and were heading back to Zimbabwe soon. But that was a more realistic response; now I am planning on contacting journalists, asking them what kinds of things to say, where to say them - to ensure utmost safety for myself and the individual giving the information and how to gain trust while not unintentionally abusing it. I do plan on heading into Zimbabwe soon. An organization I am in conversation with - CADEGO is currently in Francis Town, Botswana, the route I have planned on going into Zimbabwe - Francistown to Bulawayo, so I plan on heading to Francistown Monday or Tuesday, and to Pretoria tomorrow, to see what effect I can make there.

I have been in touch with a very active group called the Zimbabwe Revolutionary Movement here in Johannesburg; whose leader, Simon Mudekwa and others have recently been in jail , in South Africa, for protesting outside the Chinese embassy in Pretoria. There was word that the police used tear gas in this incident. They have big plans - going to Tanzania to talk to the President of the AU, going to Botswana and Zambia and talking to their leaders, while continuing rallies and demonstrations, they seem to have in depth tactics in the works, and I look forward to learning more about them once I am able to get to know them more, they are able to trust me more etc. I haven't been able to plug into this as directly as I want to. Once again, I am not sure what I was expecting, as they have been doing this for quite some time, are very experienced, and might not have something an inexperienced individual can directly plug into. This could come with time. For now I plan on keeping in touch with them, asking them to update me on ways I can get involved -- letting them know what I am up to, and learning from them. In addition, they are in conversation with many people in Zimbabwe who I can be in conversation with once I get there.

So, my plan is to head to Francistown soon, spend a bit of time there and then spend some time in Bulawayo, and then over to Harare; while open to other developments from the organizations, groups I am in conversation with, racking my brain as to the best way I can make an impact, given the talented individuals already invested in the struggle.

This entry was more of a run on rambling rant. I plan on having more journalistic style entries as well, while seeing my personal perspective and experiences as essential to communicate as well. I will be posting pictures and other info. as it comes up...and may actually end up having another blog that is more on the informational/journalistic side. I will send you a link to that when I set it up.