The allure of forgetfulness

I am safe here now, safe to write my thoughts and experiences freely, safe to sit in a coffee shop and browse whatever websites I see fit, to take pictures as I please, and enjoy my surroundings free of fear. A tension has been released, the general anxiety that comes with unfamiliarity and uncertainty has now subsided. I did not notice it as much then, but see it now in its absence. What scares me the most about that release is the freedom it gives me. With all society functioning pretty well here in the States, I can choose whether or not to be confronted with the dismal realities facing every day Zimbabweans, if for nothing else, the purpose of this trip was to know that reality for myself, and being there for only two weeks, staying only in the cities, I did not receive the full reality most experienced. I could still have a warm bed and a cooked meal to go home to every night, I could filter every story with my own experience and point of view. There was much that occurred that I was not aware of, that I filtered out, and I was there. Now, very far removed from the situation, I am faced with the ever present possibility of forgetting, seeing my experiences as another reality, a bad dream, something I do not have to know or do anything about if I do not want to.

Though the first request I received from most people while over there was money, the second, more sincere request was not to forget the people of Zimbabwe and their situation. I understood this plea, and saw it as a sincere request for help, but couldn’t help feeling offended, that they thought I could. However, now I see, in a very almost physical way, what they are talking about. They probably did not know exactly what they were saying, but knew by the absence of the many international observers and workers that have come through their doors, that this forgetting was a real possibility.

In past trips I have taken the forgetting happened gradually, with an initial fervor of re-orienting habits and inspiring action that convinced me and those around me that I was really doing something, that gradually waned, and became fewer and less noticeable, a change that was now only supported by an alternative perspective about the world around me, that would be highlighted in late night conversations, parties and social gatherings. A forgetting that occurred over time and so gradually that I did not even realize it had happened. However, this current threatened forgetting is nothing like the sleepy gradual disappearance of past trips. Instead, it is an upfront confrontation that has plagued me immediately and directly. It would be a conscious, active choice to forget, not simply the passive pursuit of every day life that seems to grasp gradually the individual’s attention, and eventually take full precedence and focus. Maybe it is because of their words that I realize this, that I now see the action for what it is, or am more aware of my inner thoughts and actions and therefore notice temptations for what they are when I wouldn’t have before. However, I still do not think that is why the invitation to forget this time is so noticeable and attractive. I believe there is something so difficult and painful in what I experienced and picked up, if not on a direct level, on a very intuitive and spiritual level that was so thick and so deep, I find myself searching hard for escape and release once it is available to me.

While I was there, there was an emotional separation that occurred within me, that kept me more intellectual and pragmatic about gathering and retaining information. I guess that was how my mind protected me from the state of overloaded emotions that would have crippled me and left me feeling helpless and hopeless and inhibited my progress. However, the feeling of desperation and fear was so deeply embedded in each individual that it seemed to permeate this desensitized hardened shell that I had built up during my time there. It was the force of this level of desperation and fear that dually inspires and suppresses me, that I try to escape now, that makes me want to forget. I want to forget because if I remember, I will have to deal with the chilling reality that in the country I once called my home, every day citizens are petrified sleeping in their own homes with their own families, because they fear that at any moment, they could be abducted; their houses burnt, their children displaced never to be seen again; a level of fear that I have never in my life experienced, and never want to experience. I think that is the most difficult part about this situation, having the realization that I have not experienced this, I do not have to, and because I do not have to I will not. It is a natural response, a human one, and in this case a wise one, but one that is very hard to deal with and will continue to haunt me for some time. It puts me in a position to maybe appreciate and to some degree hear or learn about another’s misgivings without ever really knowing what it is they went through, creating a large disparity in understanding, though I may do my best to connect, and sense what is going on. I will for now, remain simply an observer, a reporter of my experiences from my perspective, never to fully be able to know or communicate the depth of suffering that is occurring there right now. I went to see and I saw, but I will never fully know, and it is that gap of understanding I think I want to forget. Without realizing this large gap of experience and understanding, I would naturally filter my experience there to what I already know, naturally compare it to things I understand, and though I would realize their suffering is great, I may simply put it in the category of suffering I know. However, in realizing this gap and the complexity and depth of the need and pain that must reside within it, I get this constant unsettled, uneasy feeling that is hard to place and is very uncomfortable, that is hard to sit with. One that tells me I cannot have this feeling and do nothing, yet that also tells me whatever I do will not do the depth of their experience justice. It is this that I am left with, and it is this that often paralyzes me, that challenges me when I enjoy simple things like coffee and eating at a restaurant and expressing my opinions about the upcoming elections, and participate in protests and activism without being attacked, unfortunately there is still the possibility of arrest. I have to remember there are many people that cannot do this; and it is very hard to enjoy something when I know others cannot, when I know I escaped that situation, and am now free and safe. It is hard to swallow, it goes much further than appreciation, that is simply not enough. That notion actually very much frustrates me, that one would finally realize the luxuries and freedoms they have in comparison to another individual, and would go home, have a nice reflection and stop short at appreciation, seems to be doing a grave injustice to those that are suffering, seems almost like the grieved individual was used for the other’s positive feelings about her own situation. No, the realization of the gap and the appreciation needs to motivate the fortunate individual to ensure that all people receive as good or better than she has, but that rarely happens. We stop short at appreciation, we forget; we forget, we don’t hear, we don’t know because we know that in the knowing, in the remembering, in the listening we will be required to take great action, action that would disrupt our way of living, of enjoying, of surviving, we are scared of what that change would mean for us, we are scared that the task required of us would be too great, we feel inadequate and unable and overwhelmed, yes being overwhelmed is a large, natural deterrent, and so we do not try, we resist, we work to forget.

Yes, the forgetting this time would be overt and intentional, yet at the same time very easy and very desirable. It is a subtle trick evil uses to veil horrendous acts and normalize ignorance, keeping those with the tools to effect change sipping tea in their large lush gardens with walls, electric fences and oceans to protect them from any outside harm, while their critics sit safe at home in a coffee shop behind a computer free from the interpersonal effects a real face to face challenge might incur.